Why did the insulin die in my pancreas?

I remember when Lance was diagnosed, I sat crying, actually weeping in a room at the hospital for exhausted and grieving parents. My parents were with me, and Lance’s Dad insisted that I have a break whilst he slept.

Whilst I unashamedly cried, I looked around the room. No one stirred. They were all feeling the same as I was; I think I was just vocalizing my bleeding for them all.

Suddenly, I looked up at my Dad, and I said, “Oh Dad, how am I supposed to tell him that he could go blind when he is older?”

My Dad held my hands tightly and said, “I’m sure when the time is right, he’ll just stumble across it himself.”

Almost 6 years later, my Dad’s premonition became a reality.

Whilst I was carefully measuring ingredients to a Diabetes Friendly Apple Pie, Lance stood in the doorway, holding up a book entitled “Diabetes, everything you should know when you are challenged with Diagnosis.”

He was holding it so that the title was directly aimed at my field of vision.

“I have read the whole of this book, Mum.”

Oh My STARS. I could only imagine what I was going to hear next.

“Yep. I know all about what happened to my Beta Cells, I know that I can have card-i…ac failure, that means that my heart could stop or die, I know I have to have insulin for the rest of my life. The rest of my life could be tomorrow, though, couldn’t it?”

“So, am I going to go blind? Like James? And has the eye doctor been lying to me for all this time, because he always says that he has to check all kids’ eyes my age…”

“I even read this book so well that I even know about Jeckstayshinal Diabetes.” (I didn’t have the heart to correct him-after all, he doesn’t ever have to worry about that one personally..)

“What about you, Mum? Were you angry when I was diagnosed? It says in this book that it’s normal to be angry..”

I’m still angry.

“Did you double check with the doctors’ to make sure that they were right?” His tone was neither accusing or tinged with anger, he was just asking with pure, childlike innocence.

I assured him that he had the best doctor in Queensland whose speciality is treating babies with Type 1 Diabetes, and that I believed him and trusted him so much that I was prepared to hand him over to be treated by our endo. (Oh Doc C, I dread the day that you retire….)

A well meaning neighbour had given Lance a A-Z liftout newspaper feature about the complications of Diabetes. However,she meant him to give it to me for my perusal, not for his little eyes.

I stopped peeling apples, because at this point, I was feeling pretty shattered. I have always been unfailingly honest about DIabetes with Lance, never running off to hide if a fingerprick was necessary, or caring  in the least about curiosity from strangers if lifting up his shirt in a crowded room to administer more insulin was imperative.  He knows why I am such a shoe Nazi, making sure that his feet remain uninjured. He knows why he can’t have chocolate when he wants it, and yet he can have it when he feels the disgusting effects of a severe hypo and chocolate is the last thing that he possibly wants.

My fears in that hospital room had eerily come to fruition.  Now I had to sit down and explain how some people with Diabetes lose  some or all of their eyesight, due to retinopathy.

I assured him that because I was the Diabetes Chief in our house, and that it was my job to make sure his sugar levels stay in the safe zone, and that meant that his eyes would stay healthy, too. He then recalled-as quick as a bolt of lightning-the week we had recently of unexplained readings that  had left Lance’s blood sugar consistently between 20-30mmol/L. I thought quickly and told him that would only ”be a higher risk” if his levels were like that all the time. I decided to show him pictures of other famous D Bloggers who have Type 1 Diabetes, yet who are perfectly healthy and living amazing lives. He smiled reassuringly, when he saw a few familiar faces smiling back at him from the computer screen.

I told him that this book was for people who didn’t KNOW about Diabetes, and it was explaining the worst that could happen IF you didn’t take care of yourself. He looked semi-relieved.

After almost 6 years of living with Type 1 Diabetes, my son, who is only 7-and-a-half, spent parts of that afternoon with a mask over his eyes.

“I just want to see what living in the dark is like, Mum!” he yelled from a  bedroom as I looked up in horror, watching his stumble along and feel his way to somewhere familiar.

I grabbed him and gently took the mask off. I told him that he could ask me anything and I would tell him the absolute truth. It’s a devastating day when you can’t protect your child from some of the evils and truths associated with this condition. 

I prayed today. Amongst apple peels and tears.  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       *Fortunately, we have our next appointment with the Paediatric Endocrinologist on the 22nd of this month. Hopefully he can allay some of Lance’s newly aquired concerns. Since the eye mask day, he hasn’t mentioned that book again, or made any bold quotes from it. It definitely wasn’t for innocent eyes, that’s for sure. The book has been put in my linen cupboard, up as high as I could reach and buried between two sets of sheets.